“My grief lies all within,
And these external manners of lament
Are merely shadows to the unseen grief
That swells with silence in the tortured soul”
- William Shakespeare
I've long debated whether or not I wanted to post anything about the upcoming 5th
"anniversary" of September 11. Anniversaries are a tricky thing for me to begin with, as my past experience with them has been much maligned. When considering writing any commentary on the day (even in a well-intentioned and sincere manner) I still find myself

simultaneously at a loss for words and completely overwhelmed with emotion. And certainly, without an answer. But on the eve of the "anniversary" of
Hurricane Katrina and the horror that unfolded in New Orleans and throughout the South, I am thinking of this today. It is all fragmented still. Still.

So, where does one begin? I have lived in New York City my whole life. It is my home. My only home. I am proprietary in my ownership of that. I have few friends who can claim the same and they make up three of my five closest (though one of the others was born here and only moved away after college). So in the aftermath of that day, when American flags started flying everywhere and "I Love NY More than Ever" signs were posted all over the Dakotas, I felt more than a twinge of distaste. Fair or not. That's not my point. That was my feeling. I wanted to wrap my city in my arms and protect it, not simply from terrorist fanatics, but from our home-born ones as well.
And so, I didn't write about it. I've retold the tale a dozen times since that day, it's become a morbid connecting point when meeting new people, the "where were you when Kennedy was shot?" question of my generation. I can give details of how the events unfolded themselves for me that day. An argument with my then spouse, a quiet walk to the train mixed with the frustration of that and the joy at the beautiful blue-skied day. Noticing the "Vote Here" signs on the school doorways. Settling in at work a little earlier than usual, checking some proofs, skimming my email. A knock on my door and my good friend John telling me a plane had hit ... nervous laughter from both of us as he had heard it on Howard Stern (and why is it that otherwise intelligent and thoughtful people listen to him? Another thing I'll never understand). And then, some minutes later, the second plane and the realization on our faces gave way to everything that we would learn to understand weeks later. And then the attempts at information, where is everyone you love?; trying to access websites; make phone calls, send
email--most of them unsuccessful--then heading outside to see what ever could be seen; the quiet sideways glances as we watched the TV screens in the lobby of the bank in our building; the choked cries when the first tower fell. Returning to my office, talking to my best friend and crying, "they're both gone" a few minutes later (while secretly being relieved at the balance that provided for my order-needing brain.). Meeting up with my husband, walking up Second Ave, staring intently at the Chrysler Building expecting it to disintegrate before me, walking across the 59th Street Bridge (reconsidering the lyrics to the song). The complete silence of thousands of people walking home. Tentatively looking over my shoulder toward downtown to nothing but smoke, feeling guilty after I did, as if I were rubbernecking on the highway. Stopping in a bar, for news and a drink. Hearing the trains start running on the el. Getting on the 7 Train to Shea and exiting at Flushing Meadows and my hometown. Just the two of us (and a couple of minor thugs, who gave me some concern, but turned in the opposite direction of us). And again, the silence. The stillness. The LIE as empty as the day asphalt was first set down. How my heart jumped when the F-15s flew over. The stillness of the air in their wake. And the silence.
This list of moments are compiled as simply as I can place them on a page, the events as they unfolded for me, trying not to sound too melodramatic, while not (no, never) making it seem anything less than what it was. What it meant. But, essentially, it tells nothing. I can go further and say that I see the headlines on every newspaper the next day. I still have them in a little box under my bed. I ached over them when I packed them away before my move. Morbid mementos that hit me harder at their being unearthed again than some other more "personal moments." But to write of all of this for public consumption? I'm not sure that it won't find me with some regret and sense of disgust with myself. Because it accomplishes even less outside of providing a cathartic self-reflection. My day, in the end, was rather "uneventful" as far as those who were in NYC that day. I am a native who somehow managed to get away unscathed as far as not personally knowing anyone who was murdered that day. Though my second hometown, Rockaway, was gutted (as the majority of male residents were [and are] either firefighters, police officers, or stock brokers).
I've briefly lamented the silence of the literati after 9/11, despite, as I have written, understanding it. But, at some point, I wanted ... no. I needed to read the story from outside of myself because my own thoughts and emotions had bore themselves deep inside. I needed the consolation and understanding that I get from authors I admire, who are more eloquent and precise at placing words together to express that which is universal. It took me three days to even cry, it took me weeks to even talk about it in a manner that wasn't reminiscent of watching a documentary reenactment--black & white and grainy and barren of feeling. I cringe at the phrase "the end of irony" almost as much as I do when I hear "let's roll," and perhaps it was the silence of our wordsmiths and the proliferation of our photographers (as well as our own eyes) that moved me away from the text page as it did (and perhaps, is the answer for why I continue to avoid it) and helped me
to fall in love with pictures (there was a meeting of some sort of Magnum Photographers that day, so many of the best photojournalists in the world were around to document) and how they can sear into us what our mind's eye tries to spare us from. For words have truly failed us; and they have failed the best of us when looking at this day. They continue to fail us in ways that they don't fail others who have lived through similar traumas.
This is incomplete. I may (despite myself) continue this in another post. For now, there is this (an incredible visual archive), and newly, this on Slate, and for the past five years, there has been this, which has always been the most close to me. Change.